I've tried so hard to tell her that I'm sorry. I've done everything from sending flowers to emails to songs posted on youTube dedicated to her. She still doesnt get it. I'm thinking the 3rd time is the charm. Like sand in the palm of my hands, I feel us slowly slipping away. I have done everything to prove to her that I'm a changed man. Still no recourse. No forgiveness, no sense of things going in a better direction. Just as I start to think we are good, there's a big slap to the face. It hurts like a mutha too. . . I wish I could turn back the hands of time and start this thing over, but I know if that were the case, we wouldnt be together right now.
I've destroyed everything that I've created here. I've ruined a relationship that's always been so so. No strength in the love for each other makes it a hard road to travel. I'm at my wits end with "sorries." I'm to the point that I'm questioning myself if this is what I really want? Am I able to withstand another chance and work my way back to good? Am I ready to take on the responsibility to give her everything I have while she gives nothing? Or. . . Do I even want this? Do I even care?
A part of me wants her to end it so badly so that I can move on with my life. When I think of a life without her, I tend to sometimes get really excited. This feeling is growing stronger everyday and it scares me dearly. I do think that we met on terms beyond our control. I do think that if things didnt happen the way they did in the beginning that we would be better off. But there's more to life than what we care to dream about now. We are grounded and rooted in our lives with the aid of our beautiful kids. Are we selfish for moving on? Are we just that weak that we cant find the energy to make a life for ourselves and put our kids through the drama?
Put it this way, the more I think about this, the more I feel that its not 100% my fault. There are things and feelings that went disregarded as we traveled along the way. With the crashing of our worlds, we hold tight to a dream and image for the young'ns in our midst. We cant continue to fake this much longer. They see the distance. They feel the over bearing heat in the middle of winter called stress that is the "glue" to our family right now. If we continue down this road, will this be healthy for anyone?
I am truly sorry for everything I did. But then again, am I?
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