For the Record. . .

I am testing out my writing skills. I'm in a mid life crisis right now and am trying to figure out what to do with miVida. I've had opportunity over opportunity to make a success and I've blown just about every chance I've had.  These writings are simply a way for me to get my feelings out there while learning about a new trade. Should anyone ever read this information, please know that although I did make a lot of mistakes, I'm trying really hard to clean them up. Is it too late for me? I tend to answer that question myself alot. Yes. I say, and it brings me back to my core existence of being a nobody for the rest of my life. I want to shine. I want to be a good person, I want the respect and appreciation of my peers so much that I'm trying everything in the world right now.  Reading, writing, starting a new business, making my family right, reconciling with my wife, staying in shape, stopping smoking, eating healtier, ensure that my kids are healthy, fixing my house, fixing my financial situation, reaching out to my kids in Ohio and Frederick, MD, having a closer walk with my GOD, are all a few of the things that I need to accomplish. I'm not sure what order to do this in and right now, I'm really confused and frustrated about where to start.

I know that I can do this. I just know it. I hear voices of past putdowns that continue to haunt me. I'm trying to drown those voices out right here as I write. With these voices gone, I know that the skies are the limit.  I pray to god that if my wife ever reads this, that she reads with an open heart and mind. Some of the things I put in here will be devastating to her, some will be funny, and I'm sure she will question alot of it. She is actually the main voice in my head that I'm trying to drain out so I can focus on a better us.

I love her dearly and I pray that she knows that. Although our journey so far has been a rocky one, I'm now seeing the light.  I'm more focused on my future than my past. I just need to bring her here with me.  With everything I do, she questions, even to the way I clean a bathroom. I just want to make her happy.  Who  knows, after getting all this out, I may feel that the best way to fix us is to totally let us go. . .

Forgive me Krista for I've been a sinner most of our relationship. Not just through actions, but also through thoughts (more that that the first said). . . I know we were thrown into this situation. I know that we are hurting right now. Perhpas some of this writing will make a passage way for us to communicate a little better. . . I wish us well. Wish us luck and continued prayers.  ..