I remember hoping that she would have a miscarriage. For the most part, I wanted to be out of this with her. I didnt want to have any kids with this woman. After seeing what her mother looked like really scared me. I knew that was coming to us. But how soon? I didnt care, I wanted out. I could never shake the fact that we were together simply for our kid. It really detached me from everything that I enjoyed doing in my life. Who cares if I was out running the streets before this. I wasnt ready. I was in the prime of miVida and i was just getting a fresh start on my career. Just got back into college, working 2 jobs and going to school full time made it very difficult for me to think of having anymore kids. But this one was here to stay. I remember the arguments that we had during her pregnancy. I feel really badly for making feel that way. But. Bottom Line. This is what happens when you are sucker punched into a relationship. And sucker punched I was. I was introduced to her family as the father of her child. In a relationship with a white woman with roots that go back to the country hick days in Tiffin Ohio.That really didnt bother me. because I would have eaten that up if that were the case. Something about finding out a way to get under peoples skin is something I'm really good at. And if that were the case, I'd be having a field day. . .Coming into the house with my hat turned around backwards, dark shades, baggy clothes, huge boombox radio in my hand and mad gold chains all around my neck. That would really set them off. And I'd love it. Oh and not to mention, that I'd do the beatBox everytime i was around them or talk in rhymes. all the time :).
I remember seeing my son for the first time outside of her. I couldnt believe it. Altough, i had 2 kids already, it was my first time that i've actually been a part of the birth of my child. Seeing him all wrinkled and pastey really made an impact on me. I was scared for him. I didnt know what it would take to be a good dad to him. I had no idea what to do since I had no dad growing up. Should I be selfish like my mom and make him feel guilty for all of my losses and misfortune? No. I decided to do the exact different from her. I remember a song playin on the radio and he was making this cute face. I lost it. I broke down in tears and sobbed over top of him. All my emotions hit me at once. I couldnt control it. And to think that he only responded to my voice really touched me. Fuck IT! I thought. This is a start of a new life for me. I can do this. No matter what all my exe's said or thought about me. I am going to be a dad and do something meaningful and right. With that being said, I totally forgot about my relationship with my wife. I totally made him my main priority. As did she. We layed on separate sides of the bed with our eyes (and hearts) completely focused on this young one in between us. We never really spoke about us. We never really entertained the fact of us getting away for a vacation, or having a dinner date together, or making plans to have a one niter somewhere. It was all about him. Sure we had our occassional get togethers with each other but the major focus was on our new son. (As it should be. RIGHT?) And OMG did the sex get horrible? WTF. I felt like i was with someone totally new. And not a good new either. The things we used to say and do to each other went completely out the door. Sure we had other things to tend to, but there wasnt any type of affection between us. I would drink myself til i was horny enough to fuck. Just some pussy is what i wanted, I would think to myself. And there she was. Upstairs, asleep, snoring, huge and out of shape. But my senses could only think about cumming. So i would just go for it. I would fuck her for about 6 minutes and then pop off. It was the worst feeling ever. It got to be so routine that she would go upstairs to sleep and i would stay downStairs and drink until i was ready.
This carried on to our new house. Where it got worse. She got bigger and bigger. And less and less attractive. Not paying any attention to her man at home, she would eat and eat and eat. i couldnt believe that one person once a petite size, could put all that food away. Now dont get me wrong. She was a great cook. So I added a few extras on also. But I looked sexy with it :). . .
With our declining sex life and our lack of attention / affection to each other. Things got really hard. And not in a good way. I remember working 2 jobs and getting home around 11pm at nite. I would be so exhausted but always ready for sex. I still had that drive in me to succeed and to do other things no matter what. My educatoin and sex life were my the main priorities in miVida. One more than the other. Can you guess which was mas importante? She on the other hand, took care of things like bills and daycare for our son. I never once thought that what she was doing required assistance. I just thought, I'd make the money and bring it home and trust that she would do what needed to be done with it. Thats one that I can say, I trusted her with miVida. and I still do. . .
Since this is my story, I'm sure she would write it a different way. I'm sure she would write to where I was the bad guy. HELL. Depending on who reads this, I still may be the bad guy.
Our lives moved like a locomotive. Faster and faster. While the steam kept pouring out. We were running out of it. Of course. There was no sex right? Thats what life is all about right? Well thats what I thought. Which is why i'm here writing this sob story now. . .
If i could say a few things good about my wife, it would be that she has really good intentions on doing the right thing. She really holds off her tongue and really thinks before she starts arguing. There's no shooting off at the hip for her. She thinks it through, processes it, thinks about how she would feel if it were said to her and then in the calmest way possible, with intellect, give me her "synopsis" . Now is that a good thing? In some cases yes. She's always been very understanding of my lack of family values as she has put up with me for this long. She's very detail oriented. She's very very smart. Good at her job. And devoted to family. Values. . . She definitely changed miVida. I'm not sure how things would've been without her, but sometimes, i wish i could see... Just a peek OK?
No comments:
Post a Comment