My story will take you down, although all too common in relationships, a road of a horrible man that can only find guilt and shame in his life right now and how his haunted past lurks around every corner as he tries to make a mends with his wife and family. . . Lets start from the beginning. . .
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I've never asked for much. I'm sure you've heard that saying before. But in this case, all I wanted was the obvious. Clothes, Cars, Money, Acceptance, Good Looks. Somethings were thrown into my life without me asking - wife, kids, debt, loss of close friends and family. When I say "thrown" I dont mean literally, I mean just taken by surprise. I started out in the world living with a very selfish mother. When I talk about her, it really makes me feel guilty for feeling this way, but others ensure me that these feelings, are although genuine, are deep issues that I should address with some type of counseling. I could be like most adults and totally disrespect her by throwing it up in her face and make her feel guilty for the way she raised me. What is that going to prove? All it will do is add to yet another person that I have hurt. So I keep it to myself. I go through everyday with the battle of my mother. I try to reach out to her in times of need but when I reach her, she sounds so joyful and playful on the phone, that I just cant imagine to bring it up. So i put my emotions aside and follow her lead. I speak to her as if I'm giving her an interview. Asking questions only about her, giving her an opportunity to tell me whats going on in her life. For the most part, the stories are all church or death related. Someone is treating her like shit at church, someone is sick or someone just died. Never have I seen someone so into death and funerals. If there were an app that allowed people to view the number of funerals by location, date, and time of funeral, I'm sure she would have it. So when we talk, I sit and wait on an opportunity to interject my problems. 90% of the time, I dont see that opportunity. She rambles on and on about herself and herself only. For the most part of miVida, I've been trying to connect with my mother on a level that other families have. There's no connection, other than what can I do for her. So for the most part of my life, I've taken on this responsibilty and have totally failed. I watch as she comments on her girlfriend who's son has made it into professional basketball. She talks about how shes' moved into a new house and has new friends, cars and clothes. And she speaks with such conviction about it. You can hear in her voice, the disappointment. The fact that she wishes that she was the one with the goods. And hearing her talk like that really drives a stake into my heart. I am the oldest. I am the one that should provide for her right? I am the one that she should be proud to say thats her boy. RIGHT? I'm not sure. I wont even go into the fact that she made conscious statements about how she wished her son's would have been something better to be able to take care of her. Look, I'm not sure if its wrong or right for me to feel bad about all of this. But I'll tell you what, its an "out" for me. in a weird way, it gives me a sense of comfort in what i do in miVida.
So there's no one to turn to when I have a problem. Right? Wrong!!!
Here's a recipe for you to think about. . .
- Take one man looking for some sort of comfort or understanding from his mother.
- Take a bushel of lost feelings
- Mix in a dash of hate and disrespect for women
- Add in the gift of gab and good looks
Blend all together and set loose on the world. . .
Looks like a recipe for disaster. With this mixture, women of the world, look out, because if you are not strong-willed, you are about to be taken on the ride of your life.
I wonder if that was the same recipe that was instilled in my dad. . . I feel him in me so much. I feel hardness where I wish there were softness, I feel a different type of motivation. Its conquer first and then ask questions later. For the most part of my life, I've been using women's feelings from the beginning. I cant remember a relationship where we broke it off cleanly, (well there was michelle and brenda) both were too smart for me so in reality, they dumped me.
Now you know me. Mr. Nothing Good is what I call myself. I find it really hard to believe that these women are so dumb at times. I find it hard to believe that I fit the build that they are looking for in a man. I do however, tend to lay it on thick in the beginning; flowers, candy, hugs, kisses, even the way i make love to them, I make them feel like they are on top of the world. Sexually (now thats a topic I can talk about all the time), I get into their heads, I reach into their souls, I connect with them in ways that no one else has. I'm very passionate, I am the man in teh songs that says "I can love you like that" I make them feel that its all about them. I give them that sense of security that most men dont. If theres a spot on a woman that she's most insecure about, I'm the one that will massage, kiss, give it the most attention to. DAMN!!! They they are mine. All mine. But shortly after (and I mean very shortly), I lose interest. I want a new play toy. I want to cash in and move on. But at this point, its entirely too late. I have created a monster. I have given too much to them, and now I'm taking it all away? It doesnt surprise me that I'm not liked by alot of my exe's.
My breaks are never clean with them. There's always some issue involved that pacifiys the break up. Whether it be involving a law official (police, fireman, not sexually either), some of their family members (and yes, I've had sex with some of their family members also), child support order (probably the quickest way to get me outta there is to tell me ur pregnant and that you are going to stick me for my papers. Then I'm out. With these bad breaks comes burned bridges. No way back. No one to turn to in time of need. I cant imagine how either empty or full my funeral will be. Empty because I was such a piece of crap that no one wanted to be bother, or full because everyone wanted to make sure that the man they once loved and lost and was completely destroyed by is going to his grave for sure. For what its worth, I'm truly sorry for the way I've treated all of you. I'm not good, I'm not right, there's something wrong, somethings missing, I have a few screws loose, I'm biPolar, I'm a jerk, I'm an ass, I'm inconsiderate, I'm selfish. These are all phrases uttered to me from one time or another followed by either a hang up on the phone or hard slap to the face. But I still press on. Doing the same thing over and over again. Like its a bad disease, I CANT STOP!!! I feel like a gambler that's only in it for the thrill. Who cares about the money, it the rush they get to get there. I in my own mind have issues that I'm sure are common (or maybe not), but they need to be addressed. AND FAST!!!!
With all the pain I've caused. . . There's one that I've really dumped on. MY WIFE!!!
As caring and loving as she is, I find fault in her. I find as much fault in her as she does in me. I think we were never meant to be. . . simply becasue we dont match. And when I say, "Dont Match" i mean it. Take a brick. . . rectangular (right). Strong. Sturdy and full of weight. Add it to a pot of gravy and try to slowly simmer. Add salt and seasonings to taste. . . Sounds good right? WRONG! This is like our balance to each other. Total opposites are more alike than we are. We dont fit, we dont match. I've looked at some of our pictures and for the most part, without the kids in the pictures, we dont look good together at all.
I wonder what it was that she saw in me in the beginning. But as I get older, I totally see what she saw in me. The same thing all the other women saw in me. (in the beginning). Not a promising future, or a man with integrity or wealth. . . but a good time. Someone that could make them laugh for the moment, fill their souls with the missing link that all the other men didnt care to fulfill.
Not once did she do anything for me that would make me want to stay with her. She wasnt the ONE, we didnt click, we didnt match, we were so wrong for each other. Good sex for the most part which kept my attention. She had a nice body, cute face and pretty much let me do whatever i wanted to her sexually. WOOO HOOO! So when she told me she was pregnant, I quickly froze and started thinking about my other 2 kids moms. How horrible and disgusting they were. How til this day my family, although they have seen the kids, have not seen the mothers. What embarrassments to me they are. (Now thats cold! ! !) So with a baby underway, I quickly went into dad mode. Although I already had 2 kids that I didnt really connect with, I thought this was going to be the one. . . Smart. . . Good Looking. . . Sexy!!! So i give it a try, NO!!! she explains. She doesnt want to be in a relationship with me. She just wants to have the baby. So in my mind, I find it hard to grasp how this woman can accept my cum deep inside her but not me. . . For a few more months, I pursue, push and prod for ways to get into her good graces. Still nothing. Suddenly, I find the strength to move on. I pick myself back up and am back in GO mode. Then she breaks back into miVida with a "lets move in together." Total shocker to me. So when I decide to do so, in the back of my mind, I'm curious as to why. . . Why does she want me now? What makes it so right for her to just come and i drop everything for her? I didnt want to look like a bad person so I give in. THis is the start of a very bad relationship. WIth every waking moment, I'm reminded that I was chosen after her friends bounced on her. While the initial story was, her roomates (all young women) found out she was pregnant, they were elated. Kinda like LILITH FAIR elated. I can imagine Sara McLaughlin being played loudly throughout the house as they put together the crib and painted the nursery for the new bundle of joy.
But suddenly, friends started to ask, and wonder "where is dad" and the so called loving roomies that once shared a joy of a cute baby in the midst felt scared as she awoke each night with cramps and vomiting. Her mood swings werent anything to imagine also. She would be happy one moment, and then the biggest bitch you have ever seen the next. So whats left to do? Make a move on the guy that started all of this. . . And beg him back. This would end up being the worst mistake of both of our lives. We became so miserable. The sexy woman that I fell for in the beginning blew up to 3 times the size. And thats not the problem. Its after the had the baby, she blew up 3 times more than that size. OMG. WTF. IJS. All that in one swift blow. Within a year, our lives were changed. We both felt stuck to be in this relationship for the sake of kids, society, and me not having to make yet another child support payment. . .
. . .This would end up being the start of a horrible relationship. . .
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