Friday, February 8, 2013
Monday, January 23, 2012
I'm Sorry. . . Or am I?
I've tried so hard to tell her that I'm sorry. I've done everything from sending flowers to emails to songs posted on youTube dedicated to her. She still doesnt get it. I'm thinking the 3rd time is the charm. Like sand in the palm of my hands, I feel us slowly slipping away. I have done everything to prove to her that I'm a changed man. Still no recourse. No forgiveness, no sense of things going in a better direction. Just as I start to think we are good, there's a big slap to the face. It hurts like a mutha too. . . I wish I could turn back the hands of time and start this thing over, but I know if that were the case, we wouldnt be together right now.
I've destroyed everything that I've created here. I've ruined a relationship that's always been so so. No strength in the love for each other makes it a hard road to travel. I'm at my wits end with "sorries." I'm to the point that I'm questioning myself if this is what I really want? Am I able to withstand another chance and work my way back to good? Am I ready to take on the responsibility to give her everything I have while she gives nothing? Or. . . Do I even want this? Do I even care?
A part of me wants her to end it so badly so that I can move on with my life. When I think of a life without her, I tend to sometimes get really excited. This feeling is growing stronger everyday and it scares me dearly. I do think that we met on terms beyond our control. I do think that if things didnt happen the way they did in the beginning that we would be better off. But there's more to life than what we care to dream about now. We are grounded and rooted in our lives with the aid of our beautiful kids. Are we selfish for moving on? Are we just that weak that we cant find the energy to make a life for ourselves and put our kids through the drama?
Put it this way, the more I think about this, the more I feel that its not 100% my fault. There are things and feelings that went disregarded as we traveled along the way. With the crashing of our worlds, we hold tight to a dream and image for the young'ns in our midst. We cant continue to fake this much longer. They see the distance. They feel the over bearing heat in the middle of winter called stress that is the "glue" to our family right now. If we continue down this road, will this be healthy for anyone?
I am truly sorry for everything I did. But then again, am I?
I've destroyed everything that I've created here. I've ruined a relationship that's always been so so. No strength in the love for each other makes it a hard road to travel. I'm at my wits end with "sorries." I'm to the point that I'm questioning myself if this is what I really want? Am I able to withstand another chance and work my way back to good? Am I ready to take on the responsibility to give her everything I have while she gives nothing? Or. . . Do I even want this? Do I even care?
A part of me wants her to end it so badly so that I can move on with my life. When I think of a life without her, I tend to sometimes get really excited. This feeling is growing stronger everyday and it scares me dearly. I do think that we met on terms beyond our control. I do think that if things didnt happen the way they did in the beginning that we would be better off. But there's more to life than what we care to dream about now. We are grounded and rooted in our lives with the aid of our beautiful kids. Are we selfish for moving on? Are we just that weak that we cant find the energy to make a life for ourselves and put our kids through the drama?
Put it this way, the more I think about this, the more I feel that its not 100% my fault. There are things and feelings that went disregarded as we traveled along the way. With the crashing of our worlds, we hold tight to a dream and image for the young'ns in our midst. We cant continue to fake this much longer. They see the distance. They feel the over bearing heat in the middle of winter called stress that is the "glue" to our family right now. If we continue down this road, will this be healthy for anyone?
I am truly sorry for everything I did. But then again, am I?
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
For the Record. . .
I am testing out my writing skills. I'm in a mid life crisis right now and am trying to figure out what to do with miVida. I've had opportunity over opportunity to make a success and I've blown just about every chance I've had. These writings are simply a way for me to get my feelings out there while learning about a new trade. Should anyone ever read this information, please know that although I did make a lot of mistakes, I'm trying really hard to clean them up. Is it too late for me? I tend to answer that question myself alot. Yes. I say, and it brings me back to my core existence of being a nobody for the rest of my life. I want to shine. I want to be a good person, I want the respect and appreciation of my peers so much that I'm trying everything in the world right now. Reading, writing, starting a new business, making my family right, reconciling with my wife, staying in shape, stopping smoking, eating healtier, ensure that my kids are healthy, fixing my house, fixing my financial situation, reaching out to my kids in Ohio and Frederick, MD, having a closer walk with my GOD, are all a few of the things that I need to accomplish. I'm not sure what order to do this in and right now, I'm really confused and frustrated about where to start.
I know that I can do this. I just know it. I hear voices of past putdowns that continue to haunt me. I'm trying to drown those voices out right here as I write. With these voices gone, I know that the skies are the limit. I pray to god that if my wife ever reads this, that she reads with an open heart and mind. Some of the things I put in here will be devastating to her, some will be funny, and I'm sure she will question alot of it. She is actually the main voice in my head that I'm trying to drain out so I can focus on a better us.
I love her dearly and I pray that she knows that. Although our journey so far has been a rocky one, I'm now seeing the light. I'm more focused on my future than my past. I just need to bring her here with me. With everything I do, she questions, even to the way I clean a bathroom. I just want to make her happy. Who knows, after getting all this out, I may feel that the best way to fix us is to totally let us go. . .
Forgive me Krista for I've been a sinner most of our relationship. Not just through actions, but also through thoughts (more that that the first said). . . I know we were thrown into this situation. I know that we are hurting right now. Perhpas some of this writing will make a passage way for us to communicate a little better. . . I wish us well. Wish us luck and continued prayers. ..
I know that I can do this. I just know it. I hear voices of past putdowns that continue to haunt me. I'm trying to drown those voices out right here as I write. With these voices gone, I know that the skies are the limit. I pray to god that if my wife ever reads this, that she reads with an open heart and mind. Some of the things I put in here will be devastating to her, some will be funny, and I'm sure she will question alot of it. She is actually the main voice in my head that I'm trying to drain out so I can focus on a better us.
I love her dearly and I pray that she knows that. Although our journey so far has been a rocky one, I'm now seeing the light. I'm more focused on my future than my past. I just need to bring her here with me. With everything I do, she questions, even to the way I clean a bathroom. I just want to make her happy. Who knows, after getting all this out, I may feel that the best way to fix us is to totally let us go. . .
Forgive me Krista for I've been a sinner most of our relationship. Not just through actions, but also through thoughts (more that that the first said). . . I know we were thrown into this situation. I know that we are hurting right now. Perhpas some of this writing will make a passage way for us to communicate a little better. . . I wish us well. Wish us luck and continued prayers. ..
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Family Man . . .
I remember hoping that she would have a miscarriage. For the most part, I wanted to be out of this with her. I didnt want to have any kids with this woman. After seeing what her mother looked like really scared me. I knew that was coming to us. But how soon? I didnt care, I wanted out. I could never shake the fact that we were together simply for our kid. It really detached me from everything that I enjoyed doing in my life. Who cares if I was out running the streets before this. I wasnt ready. I was in the prime of miVida and i was just getting a fresh start on my career. Just got back into college, working 2 jobs and going to school full time made it very difficult for me to think of having anymore kids. But this one was here to stay. I remember the arguments that we had during her pregnancy. I feel really badly for making feel that way. But. Bottom Line. This is what happens when you are sucker punched into a relationship. And sucker punched I was. I was introduced to her family as the father of her child. In a relationship with a white woman with roots that go back to the country hick days in Tiffin Ohio.That really didnt bother me. because I would have eaten that up if that were the case. Something about finding out a way to get under peoples skin is something I'm really good at. And if that were the case, I'd be having a field day. . .Coming into the house with my hat turned around backwards, dark shades, baggy clothes, huge boombox radio in my hand and mad gold chains all around my neck. That would really set them off. And I'd love it. Oh and not to mention, that I'd do the beatBox everytime i was around them or talk in rhymes. all the time :).
I remember seeing my son for the first time outside of her. I couldnt believe it. Altough, i had 2 kids already, it was my first time that i've actually been a part of the birth of my child. Seeing him all wrinkled and pastey really made an impact on me. I was scared for him. I didnt know what it would take to be a good dad to him. I had no idea what to do since I had no dad growing up. Should I be selfish like my mom and make him feel guilty for all of my losses and misfortune? No. I decided to do the exact different from her. I remember a song playin on the radio and he was making this cute face. I lost it. I broke down in tears and sobbed over top of him. All my emotions hit me at once. I couldnt control it. And to think that he only responded to my voice really touched me. Fuck IT! I thought. This is a start of a new life for me. I can do this. No matter what all my exe's said or thought about me. I am going to be a dad and do something meaningful and right. With that being said, I totally forgot about my relationship with my wife. I totally made him my main priority. As did she. We layed on separate sides of the bed with our eyes (and hearts) completely focused on this young one in between us. We never really spoke about us. We never really entertained the fact of us getting away for a vacation, or having a dinner date together, or making plans to have a one niter somewhere. It was all about him. Sure we had our occassional get togethers with each other but the major focus was on our new son. (As it should be. RIGHT?) And OMG did the sex get horrible? WTF. I felt like i was with someone totally new. And not a good new either. The things we used to say and do to each other went completely out the door. Sure we had other things to tend to, but there wasnt any type of affection between us. I would drink myself til i was horny enough to fuck. Just some pussy is what i wanted, I would think to myself. And there she was. Upstairs, asleep, snoring, huge and out of shape. But my senses could only think about cumming. So i would just go for it. I would fuck her for about 6 minutes and then pop off. It was the worst feeling ever. It got to be so routine that she would go upstairs to sleep and i would stay downStairs and drink until i was ready.
This carried on to our new house. Where it got worse. She got bigger and bigger. And less and less attractive. Not paying any attention to her man at home, she would eat and eat and eat. i couldnt believe that one person once a petite size, could put all that food away. Now dont get me wrong. She was a great cook. So I added a few extras on also. But I looked sexy with it :). . .
With our declining sex life and our lack of attention / affection to each other. Things got really hard. And not in a good way. I remember working 2 jobs and getting home around 11pm at nite. I would be so exhausted but always ready for sex. I still had that drive in me to succeed and to do other things no matter what. My educatoin and sex life were my the main priorities in miVida. One more than the other. Can you guess which was mas importante? She on the other hand, took care of things like bills and daycare for our son. I never once thought that what she was doing required assistance. I just thought, I'd make the money and bring it home and trust that she would do what needed to be done with it. Thats one that I can say, I trusted her with miVida. and I still do. . .
Since this is my story, I'm sure she would write it a different way. I'm sure she would write to where I was the bad guy. HELL. Depending on who reads this, I still may be the bad guy.
Our lives moved like a locomotive. Faster and faster. While the steam kept pouring out. We were running out of it. Of course. There was no sex right? Thats what life is all about right? Well thats what I thought. Which is why i'm here writing this sob story now. . .
If i could say a few things good about my wife, it would be that she has really good intentions on doing the right thing. She really holds off her tongue and really thinks before she starts arguing. There's no shooting off at the hip for her. She thinks it through, processes it, thinks about how she would feel if it were said to her and then in the calmest way possible, with intellect, give me her "synopsis" . Now is that a good thing? In some cases yes. She's always been very understanding of my lack of family values as she has put up with me for this long. She's very detail oriented. She's very very smart. Good at her job. And devoted to family. Values. . . She definitely changed miVida. I'm not sure how things would've been without her, but sometimes, i wish i could see... Just a peek OK?
I remember seeing my son for the first time outside of her. I couldnt believe it. Altough, i had 2 kids already, it was my first time that i've actually been a part of the birth of my child. Seeing him all wrinkled and pastey really made an impact on me. I was scared for him. I didnt know what it would take to be a good dad to him. I had no idea what to do since I had no dad growing up. Should I be selfish like my mom and make him feel guilty for all of my losses and misfortune? No. I decided to do the exact different from her. I remember a song playin on the radio and he was making this cute face. I lost it. I broke down in tears and sobbed over top of him. All my emotions hit me at once. I couldnt control it. And to think that he only responded to my voice really touched me. Fuck IT! I thought. This is a start of a new life for me. I can do this. No matter what all my exe's said or thought about me. I am going to be a dad and do something meaningful and right. With that being said, I totally forgot about my relationship with my wife. I totally made him my main priority. As did she. We layed on separate sides of the bed with our eyes (and hearts) completely focused on this young one in between us. We never really spoke about us. We never really entertained the fact of us getting away for a vacation, or having a dinner date together, or making plans to have a one niter somewhere. It was all about him. Sure we had our occassional get togethers with each other but the major focus was on our new son. (As it should be. RIGHT?) And OMG did the sex get horrible? WTF. I felt like i was with someone totally new. And not a good new either. The things we used to say and do to each other went completely out the door. Sure we had other things to tend to, but there wasnt any type of affection between us. I would drink myself til i was horny enough to fuck. Just some pussy is what i wanted, I would think to myself. And there she was. Upstairs, asleep, snoring, huge and out of shape. But my senses could only think about cumming. So i would just go for it. I would fuck her for about 6 minutes and then pop off. It was the worst feeling ever. It got to be so routine that she would go upstairs to sleep and i would stay downStairs and drink until i was ready.
This carried on to our new house. Where it got worse. She got bigger and bigger. And less and less attractive. Not paying any attention to her man at home, she would eat and eat and eat. i couldnt believe that one person once a petite size, could put all that food away. Now dont get me wrong. She was a great cook. So I added a few extras on also. But I looked sexy with it :). . .
With our declining sex life and our lack of attention / affection to each other. Things got really hard. And not in a good way. I remember working 2 jobs and getting home around 11pm at nite. I would be so exhausted but always ready for sex. I still had that drive in me to succeed and to do other things no matter what. My educatoin and sex life were my the main priorities in miVida. One more than the other. Can you guess which was mas importante? She on the other hand, took care of things like bills and daycare for our son. I never once thought that what she was doing required assistance. I just thought, I'd make the money and bring it home and trust that she would do what needed to be done with it. Thats one that I can say, I trusted her with miVida. and I still do. . .
Since this is my story, I'm sure she would write it a different way. I'm sure she would write to where I was the bad guy. HELL. Depending on who reads this, I still may be the bad guy.
Our lives moved like a locomotive. Faster and faster. While the steam kept pouring out. We were running out of it. Of course. There was no sex right? Thats what life is all about right? Well thats what I thought. Which is why i'm here writing this sob story now. . .
If i could say a few things good about my wife, it would be that she has really good intentions on doing the right thing. She really holds off her tongue and really thinks before she starts arguing. There's no shooting off at the hip for her. She thinks it through, processes it, thinks about how she would feel if it were said to her and then in the calmest way possible, with intellect, give me her "synopsis" . Now is that a good thing? In some cases yes. She's always been very understanding of my lack of family values as she has put up with me for this long. She's very detail oriented. She's very very smart. Good at her job. And devoted to family. Values. . . She definitely changed miVida. I'm not sure how things would've been without her, but sometimes, i wish i could see... Just a peek OK?
In the Beginning. . .
A ton of times in my life, i have done the wrong thing. I live in regret everyday about the things I've done in my life. Instead of making a new life for myself, I am drawn into the reality of my previous actions. This makes it really difficult for me to move on with my life. My blown chances at my success has resulted in me losing friends, family members and even pets. I have a situation that's been ailing me for a very long time now. Its the way that I treat or have treated my wife. Through all of the dirt that I've done in my life, most of it has impacted her. The loss of children, screwed up finances, and even the ability for her to bare children have all been the result of my sinful / guilty decisions in my life.
My story will take you down, although all too common in relationships, a road of a horrible man that can only find guilt and shame in his life right now and how his haunted past lurks around every corner as he tries to make a mends with his wife and family. . . Lets start from the beginning. . .
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I've never asked for much. I'm sure you've heard that saying before. But in this case, all I wanted was the obvious. Clothes, Cars, Money, Acceptance, Good Looks. Somethings were thrown into my life without me asking - wife, kids, debt, loss of close friends and family. When I say "thrown" I dont mean literally, I mean just taken by surprise. I started out in the world living with a very selfish mother. When I talk about her, it really makes me feel guilty for feeling this way, but others ensure me that these feelings, are although genuine, are deep issues that I should address with some type of counseling. I could be like most adults and totally disrespect her by throwing it up in her face and make her feel guilty for the way she raised me. What is that going to prove? All it will do is add to yet another person that I have hurt. So I keep it to myself. I go through everyday with the battle of my mother. I try to reach out to her in times of need but when I reach her, she sounds so joyful and playful on the phone, that I just cant imagine to bring it up. So i put my emotions aside and follow her lead. I speak to her as if I'm giving her an interview. Asking questions only about her, giving her an opportunity to tell me whats going on in her life. For the most part, the stories are all church or death related. Someone is treating her like shit at church, someone is sick or someone just died. Never have I seen someone so into death and funerals. If there were an app that allowed people to view the number of funerals by location, date, and time of funeral, I'm sure she would have it. So when we talk, I sit and wait on an opportunity to interject my problems. 90% of the time, I dont see that opportunity. She rambles on and on about herself and herself only. For the most part of miVida, I've been trying to connect with my mother on a level that other families have. There's no connection, other than what can I do for her. So for the most part of my life, I've taken on this responsibilty and have totally failed. I watch as she comments on her girlfriend who's son has made it into professional basketball. She talks about how shes' moved into a new house and has new friends, cars and clothes. And she speaks with such conviction about it. You can hear in her voice, the disappointment. The fact that she wishes that she was the one with the goods. And hearing her talk like that really drives a stake into my heart. I am the oldest. I am the one that should provide for her right? I am the one that she should be proud to say thats her boy. RIGHT? I'm not sure. I wont even go into the fact that she made conscious statements about how she wished her son's would have been something better to be able to take care of her. Look, I'm not sure if its wrong or right for me to feel bad about all of this. But I'll tell you what, its an "out" for me. in a weird way, it gives me a sense of comfort in what i do in miVida.
So there's no one to turn to when I have a problem. Right? Wrong!!!
Here's a recipe for you to think about. . .
- Take one man looking for some sort of comfort or understanding from his mother.
- Take a bushel of lost feelings
- Mix in a dash of hate and disrespect for women
- Add in the gift of gab and good looks
Blend all together and set loose on the world. . .
Looks like a recipe for disaster. With this mixture, women of the world, look out, because if you are not strong-willed, you are about to be taken on the ride of your life.
I wonder if that was the same recipe that was instilled in my dad. . . I feel him in me so much. I feel hardness where I wish there were softness, I feel a different type of motivation. Its conquer first and then ask questions later. For the most part of my life, I've been using women's feelings from the beginning. I cant remember a relationship where we broke it off cleanly, (well there was michelle and brenda) both were too smart for me so in reality, they dumped me.
Now you know me. Mr. Nothing Good is what I call myself. I find it really hard to believe that these women are so dumb at times. I find it hard to believe that I fit the build that they are looking for in a man. I do however, tend to lay it on thick in the beginning; flowers, candy, hugs, kisses, even the way i make love to them, I make them feel like they are on top of the world. Sexually (now thats a topic I can talk about all the time), I get into their heads, I reach into their souls, I connect with them in ways that no one else has. I'm very passionate, I am the man in teh songs that says "I can love you like that" I make them feel that its all about them. I give them that sense of security that most men dont. If theres a spot on a woman that she's most insecure about, I'm the one that will massage, kiss, give it the most attention to. DAMN!!! They they are mine. All mine. But shortly after (and I mean very shortly), I lose interest. I want a new play toy. I want to cash in and move on. But at this point, its entirely too late. I have created a monster. I have given too much to them, and now I'm taking it all away? It doesnt surprise me that I'm not liked by alot of my exe's.
My breaks are never clean with them. There's always some issue involved that pacifiys the break up. Whether it be involving a law official (police, fireman, not sexually either), some of their family members (and yes, I've had sex with some of their family members also), child support order (probably the quickest way to get me outta there is to tell me ur pregnant and that you are going to stick me for my papers. Then I'm out. With these bad breaks comes burned bridges. No way back. No one to turn to in time of need. I cant imagine how either empty or full my funeral will be. Empty because I was such a piece of crap that no one wanted to be bother, or full because everyone wanted to make sure that the man they once loved and lost and was completely destroyed by is going to his grave for sure. For what its worth, I'm truly sorry for the way I've treated all of you. I'm not good, I'm not right, there's something wrong, somethings missing, I have a few screws loose, I'm biPolar, I'm a jerk, I'm an ass, I'm inconsiderate, I'm selfish. These are all phrases uttered to me from one time or another followed by either a hang up on the phone or hard slap to the face. But I still press on. Doing the same thing over and over again. Like its a bad disease, I CANT STOP!!! I feel like a gambler that's only in it for the thrill. Who cares about the money, it the rush they get to get there. I in my own mind have issues that I'm sure are common (or maybe not), but they need to be addressed. AND FAST!!!!
With all the pain I've caused. . . There's one that I've really dumped on. MY WIFE!!!
As caring and loving as she is, I find fault in her. I find as much fault in her as she does in me. I think we were never meant to be. . . simply becasue we dont match. And when I say, "Dont Match" i mean it. Take a brick. . . rectangular (right). Strong. Sturdy and full of weight. Add it to a pot of gravy and try to slowly simmer. Add salt and seasonings to taste. . . Sounds good right? WRONG! This is like our balance to each other. Total opposites are more alike than we are. We dont fit, we dont match. I've looked at some of our pictures and for the most part, without the kids in the pictures, we dont look good together at all.
I wonder what it was that she saw in me in the beginning. But as I get older, I totally see what she saw in me. The same thing all the other women saw in me. (in the beginning). Not a promising future, or a man with integrity or wealth. . . but a good time. Someone that could make them laugh for the moment, fill their souls with the missing link that all the other men didnt care to fulfill.
Not once did she do anything for me that would make me want to stay with her. She wasnt the ONE, we didnt click, we didnt match, we were so wrong for each other. Good sex for the most part which kept my attention. She had a nice body, cute face and pretty much let me do whatever i wanted to her sexually. WOOO HOOO! So when she told me she was pregnant, I quickly froze and started thinking about my other 2 kids moms. How horrible and disgusting they were. How til this day my family, although they have seen the kids, have not seen the mothers. What embarrassments to me they are. (Now thats cold! ! !) So with a baby underway, I quickly went into dad mode. Although I already had 2 kids that I didnt really connect with, I thought this was going to be the one. . . Smart. . . Good Looking. . . Sexy!!! So i give it a try, NO!!! she explains. She doesnt want to be in a relationship with me. She just wants to have the baby. So in my mind, I find it hard to grasp how this woman can accept my cum deep inside her but not me. . . For a few more months, I pursue, push and prod for ways to get into her good graces. Still nothing. Suddenly, I find the strength to move on. I pick myself back up and am back in GO mode. Then she breaks back into miVida with a "lets move in together." Total shocker to me. So when I decide to do so, in the back of my mind, I'm curious as to why. . . Why does she want me now? What makes it so right for her to just come and i drop everything for her? I didnt want to look like a bad person so I give in. THis is the start of a very bad relationship. WIth every waking moment, I'm reminded that I was chosen after her friends bounced on her. While the initial story was, her roomates (all young women) found out she was pregnant, they were elated. Kinda like LILITH FAIR elated. I can imagine Sara McLaughlin being played loudly throughout the house as they put together the crib and painted the nursery for the new bundle of joy.
But suddenly, friends started to ask, and wonder "where is dad" and the so called loving roomies that once shared a joy of a cute baby in the midst felt scared as she awoke each night with cramps and vomiting. Her mood swings werent anything to imagine also. She would be happy one moment, and then the biggest bitch you have ever seen the next. So whats left to do? Make a move on the guy that started all of this. . . And beg him back. This would end up being the worst mistake of both of our lives. We became so miserable. The sexy woman that I fell for in the beginning blew up to 3 times the size. And thats not the problem. Its after the had the baby, she blew up 3 times more than that size. OMG. WTF. IJS. All that in one swift blow. Within a year, our lives were changed. We both felt stuck to be in this relationship for the sake of kids, society, and me not having to make yet another child support payment. . .
My story will take you down, although all too common in relationships, a road of a horrible man that can only find guilt and shame in his life right now and how his haunted past lurks around every corner as he tries to make a mends with his wife and family. . . Lets start from the beginning. . .
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I've never asked for much. I'm sure you've heard that saying before. But in this case, all I wanted was the obvious. Clothes, Cars, Money, Acceptance, Good Looks. Somethings were thrown into my life without me asking - wife, kids, debt, loss of close friends and family. When I say "thrown" I dont mean literally, I mean just taken by surprise. I started out in the world living with a very selfish mother. When I talk about her, it really makes me feel guilty for feeling this way, but others ensure me that these feelings, are although genuine, are deep issues that I should address with some type of counseling. I could be like most adults and totally disrespect her by throwing it up in her face and make her feel guilty for the way she raised me. What is that going to prove? All it will do is add to yet another person that I have hurt. So I keep it to myself. I go through everyday with the battle of my mother. I try to reach out to her in times of need but when I reach her, she sounds so joyful and playful on the phone, that I just cant imagine to bring it up. So i put my emotions aside and follow her lead. I speak to her as if I'm giving her an interview. Asking questions only about her, giving her an opportunity to tell me whats going on in her life. For the most part, the stories are all church or death related. Someone is treating her like shit at church, someone is sick or someone just died. Never have I seen someone so into death and funerals. If there were an app that allowed people to view the number of funerals by location, date, and time of funeral, I'm sure she would have it. So when we talk, I sit and wait on an opportunity to interject my problems. 90% of the time, I dont see that opportunity. She rambles on and on about herself and herself only. For the most part of miVida, I've been trying to connect with my mother on a level that other families have. There's no connection, other than what can I do for her. So for the most part of my life, I've taken on this responsibilty and have totally failed. I watch as she comments on her girlfriend who's son has made it into professional basketball. She talks about how shes' moved into a new house and has new friends, cars and clothes. And she speaks with such conviction about it. You can hear in her voice, the disappointment. The fact that she wishes that she was the one with the goods. And hearing her talk like that really drives a stake into my heart. I am the oldest. I am the one that should provide for her right? I am the one that she should be proud to say thats her boy. RIGHT? I'm not sure. I wont even go into the fact that she made conscious statements about how she wished her son's would have been something better to be able to take care of her. Look, I'm not sure if its wrong or right for me to feel bad about all of this. But I'll tell you what, its an "out" for me. in a weird way, it gives me a sense of comfort in what i do in miVida.
So there's no one to turn to when I have a problem. Right? Wrong!!!
Here's a recipe for you to think about. . .
- Take one man looking for some sort of comfort or understanding from his mother.
- Take a bushel of lost feelings
- Mix in a dash of hate and disrespect for women
- Add in the gift of gab and good looks
Blend all together and set loose on the world. . .
Looks like a recipe for disaster. With this mixture, women of the world, look out, because if you are not strong-willed, you are about to be taken on the ride of your life.
I wonder if that was the same recipe that was instilled in my dad. . . I feel him in me so much. I feel hardness where I wish there were softness, I feel a different type of motivation. Its conquer first and then ask questions later. For the most part of my life, I've been using women's feelings from the beginning. I cant remember a relationship where we broke it off cleanly, (well there was michelle and brenda) both were too smart for me so in reality, they dumped me.
Now you know me. Mr. Nothing Good is what I call myself. I find it really hard to believe that these women are so dumb at times. I find it hard to believe that I fit the build that they are looking for in a man. I do however, tend to lay it on thick in the beginning; flowers, candy, hugs, kisses, even the way i make love to them, I make them feel like they are on top of the world. Sexually (now thats a topic I can talk about all the time), I get into their heads, I reach into their souls, I connect with them in ways that no one else has. I'm very passionate, I am the man in teh songs that says "I can love you like that" I make them feel that its all about them. I give them that sense of security that most men dont. If theres a spot on a woman that she's most insecure about, I'm the one that will massage, kiss, give it the most attention to. DAMN!!! They they are mine. All mine. But shortly after (and I mean very shortly), I lose interest. I want a new play toy. I want to cash in and move on. But at this point, its entirely too late. I have created a monster. I have given too much to them, and now I'm taking it all away? It doesnt surprise me that I'm not liked by alot of my exe's.
My breaks are never clean with them. There's always some issue involved that pacifiys the break up. Whether it be involving a law official (police, fireman, not sexually either), some of their family members (and yes, I've had sex with some of their family members also), child support order (probably the quickest way to get me outta there is to tell me ur pregnant and that you are going to stick me for my papers. Then I'm out. With these bad breaks comes burned bridges. No way back. No one to turn to in time of need. I cant imagine how either empty or full my funeral will be. Empty because I was such a piece of crap that no one wanted to be bother, or full because everyone wanted to make sure that the man they once loved and lost and was completely destroyed by is going to his grave for sure. For what its worth, I'm truly sorry for the way I've treated all of you. I'm not good, I'm not right, there's something wrong, somethings missing, I have a few screws loose, I'm biPolar, I'm a jerk, I'm an ass, I'm inconsiderate, I'm selfish. These are all phrases uttered to me from one time or another followed by either a hang up on the phone or hard slap to the face. But I still press on. Doing the same thing over and over again. Like its a bad disease, I CANT STOP!!! I feel like a gambler that's only in it for the thrill. Who cares about the money, it the rush they get to get there. I in my own mind have issues that I'm sure are common (or maybe not), but they need to be addressed. AND FAST!!!!
With all the pain I've caused. . . There's one that I've really dumped on. MY WIFE!!!
As caring and loving as she is, I find fault in her. I find as much fault in her as she does in me. I think we were never meant to be. . . simply becasue we dont match. And when I say, "Dont Match" i mean it. Take a brick. . . rectangular (right). Strong. Sturdy and full of weight. Add it to a pot of gravy and try to slowly simmer. Add salt and seasonings to taste. . . Sounds good right? WRONG! This is like our balance to each other. Total opposites are more alike than we are. We dont fit, we dont match. I've looked at some of our pictures and for the most part, without the kids in the pictures, we dont look good together at all.
I wonder what it was that she saw in me in the beginning. But as I get older, I totally see what she saw in me. The same thing all the other women saw in me. (in the beginning). Not a promising future, or a man with integrity or wealth. . . but a good time. Someone that could make them laugh for the moment, fill their souls with the missing link that all the other men didnt care to fulfill.
Not once did she do anything for me that would make me want to stay with her. She wasnt the ONE, we didnt click, we didnt match, we were so wrong for each other. Good sex for the most part which kept my attention. She had a nice body, cute face and pretty much let me do whatever i wanted to her sexually. WOOO HOOO! So when she told me she was pregnant, I quickly froze and started thinking about my other 2 kids moms. How horrible and disgusting they were. How til this day my family, although they have seen the kids, have not seen the mothers. What embarrassments to me they are. (Now thats cold! ! !) So with a baby underway, I quickly went into dad mode. Although I already had 2 kids that I didnt really connect with, I thought this was going to be the one. . . Smart. . . Good Looking. . . Sexy!!! So i give it a try, NO!!! she explains. She doesnt want to be in a relationship with me. She just wants to have the baby. So in my mind, I find it hard to grasp how this woman can accept my cum deep inside her but not me. . . For a few more months, I pursue, push and prod for ways to get into her good graces. Still nothing. Suddenly, I find the strength to move on. I pick myself back up and am back in GO mode. Then she breaks back into miVida with a "lets move in together." Total shocker to me. So when I decide to do so, in the back of my mind, I'm curious as to why. . . Why does she want me now? What makes it so right for her to just come and i drop everything for her? I didnt want to look like a bad person so I give in. THis is the start of a very bad relationship. WIth every waking moment, I'm reminded that I was chosen after her friends bounced on her. While the initial story was, her roomates (all young women) found out she was pregnant, they were elated. Kinda like LILITH FAIR elated. I can imagine Sara McLaughlin being played loudly throughout the house as they put together the crib and painted the nursery for the new bundle of joy.
But suddenly, friends started to ask, and wonder "where is dad" and the so called loving roomies that once shared a joy of a cute baby in the midst felt scared as she awoke each night with cramps and vomiting. Her mood swings werent anything to imagine also. She would be happy one moment, and then the biggest bitch you have ever seen the next. So whats left to do? Make a move on the guy that started all of this. . . And beg him back. This would end up being the worst mistake of both of our lives. We became so miserable. The sexy woman that I fell for in the beginning blew up to 3 times the size. And thats not the problem. Its after the had the baby, she blew up 3 times more than that size. OMG. WTF. IJS. All that in one swift blow. Within a year, our lives were changed. We both felt stuck to be in this relationship for the sake of kids, society, and me not having to make yet another child support payment. . .
. . .This would end up being the start of a horrible relationship. . .
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